I'm preparing to go to school. For the first time since months, my hair is done. Two piggy tails with a shiny beads head band and some clips to hold it all, for they're styll rather short. I'm wearing my brown pants on wich i enbroidered a chinese dragon. And my Led Zeppelin corduroy vest. My face is fresh and clean, ointed with moisture cream. And dread is in my soul. Because of the official declaration of my demolition yesterday. Because of my best friend, my soul sister, the only one i ever felt so deeply reached by, announced me i annoyed him lastly. This was only the confirmation of his avoiding, of his coldness, of his agressivity toward me. And if he quits me, i won't survive. I am positively unable to survive to such a shock. If this idole of my heart go, so does the light of my life. I'll fall back into depression and stay struggling in the pungent gutter. All my friend will choose him over me. Exactly like last time such a situation happened to me. There's exactly one year from now.

I wonder what is it that makes people unable to love me, or support me for a long time. I wonder why I haven't found the one who'll understand me and share with me. I wonder how can i generate such hatred. I wonder why my quality are not appreciated instead of depreciated. I do wonder, what is so repulsive about me.

I love them. I wish i could be loveable enough for the sentiment to be returned. All hopes of future will ternish without him. I know this wil lsound clich�, but he's my everything. My strenght. My counsel. The reason happiness has graced me during 9 months, the time for a child to be born. And what will be the face of this child: return in the gloomy past, of even brighter, enlighten future? I fear the first option is the right one.

-L