Je n'�cris pas beaucoup ces temps-ic, je sais. Pourtant il y a une tonne de choses qui se bousculent dans ma t�te, que j'oublie et que je me rem�more de fa�on un peu maniaque. Je suis maniaque c'est si agr�able. C'est l'effet de mon m�dicament. Seroquel. �a marche d�finitivement. M�me si �a a tendance � me donner des acc�s de frustrations... Enfin, l'effet va s'amoindrir. Et j'imagine qu'il faut que je m'habitue � la nouvelle dose (2 pillules deux fois par jours!)... Enfin

Hier ma soir�e fut... m�diocre. Je raconterai �a demain.

J'ai envoy� une lettre � T. J'ai d�cider de mettre un terme � mes espoirs de relations avec lui. Y'est le temps de passer � autre chose. Voici:

"Mais oui je vais tout te raconter. Ce qu'il y a eu, entre nous. Du d�but. Sans r�flexions inutiles.

Pourquoi?

Parce que j'en suis arriv�e � un point o� je m'en fous, o� je n'ai plus rien � perdre, o� je suis pr�te � tourner la page sur mes souvenirs, sur la plus belle partie de ma vie, parce que tu as chang�, j'ai chang�, je vieillis, je ne peux me morfondre sur le pass� �ternellement.

En plus tu ne liras probablement m�me pas ceci. En plus, comme tu te fous maintenant de moi, comme rien ne reviendra jamais comme avant, comme je suis �coeur�e de pleurer sur mon sort � cause de toi, comme tu es un �go�ste avec de la bonne volont�, je ne compromet rien, car il n'y a plus rien � compromettre.

Sache seulement que tu as �t� la plus grande passion de ma vie, que tu m'as fait vivre les plus beaux moments de mon existence, mais que je n'ai plus de temps � perdre pour quelque chose qui n'arrivera jamais, ni de larmes � verser pour quelqu'un qui s'en fout. De plus, j'ai envie de vivre autres choses.

J'imagine qu'on va rester des connaissances ne se parlant que de choses futiles, jusqu'� ce que je parte pour le C�GEP, et � ce moment l�, je vais compl�tement disapra�tre de ton monde. � moins que la lecture de ceci ne t'enrage pour une raison X, ce qui pourrait �tre possible vu ton caract�re impr�visible.

Alors voil�: je racontais notre histoire � la personne la plus intelligente que je connaisse. Je t'�pargne son analyse, qui �tait fort clairvoyante vu la simplicit� de mes informations, puisqu'il a des objctions � ce que tu les voyes.

Voici la transcription:

( je suis L; il est BQ)

[...]

L (22:30:03): that's an extra long story

BQ (22:30:21): he must be incredible

BQ (22:30:30): if you like him more than me (hehe)

BQ (22:30:49): yeah we don't know much about each other

BQu (22:30:53): I kind of like that

L (22:32:07): well i hate him, but since i love him so much, that state of mind can be without affecting my true sentiments fo him

L (22:32:10): ok

L (22:32:20): ill tell you a super cropped version of the story

L (22:32:23): secondary three:

L (22:32:32): a hippie, long haired blond rebel and lonesome guy arrives.

L (22:32:35): immediate crush on my part

BQ(22:32:39): haha

L (22:32:39): I get to know him

L (22:32:50): then i fall out of crush and hate him for a while

L (22:32:56): beginning of secondary 4

L (22:33:01): why hate?

L (22:33:14): he attempts to talk to me, but i already started my depression because of my first boyfriend, b. my reception is chilly. i'm being a silent bitch.

L (22:33:17): we don't talk for two or three months

L (22:33:19): end of my depression

L (22:33:23): he reattempts talking to me at dinner time

L (22:33:30): i'm all in a good mood--

L (22:33:35): i'll answer that one later

L (22:33:48): ...and i explain him why i was cold toward him

L (22:33:56): From this point begins the best period of my life

L (22:34:39): a period during wich we'll learn about each other like we never learned about any other person

L (22:34:50): a period during wich we'll be the more intense of friends

L (22:34:58): that was last year's spring

L (22:35:12): he was in love with me. Everybody told me so, but i didn't believed it: we were friends ...

L (22:35:14): but then...

L (22:35:16): things degradate

L (22:35:18): i deceived him

L (22:35:26): he established a distance between us

L (22:35:33): while i'm falling back in love with him: a love born of a deeper knowledge of him

L (22:35:40): the summer passes, we see each other occasionally

L (22:35:44): this year begins

L (22:36:11): he acts dreadful toward me. being cold, and mean. In a desperate phone call from me he even tells me he doesn't respect me and that i annoy him

L (22:36:29): i think he was making a depression of his own, or that he was jealous, or that he was just being a dick.

L(22:36:30): whatever...

L (22:36:48): M-A hangs out with him, and me and him are on full flirting mode: i learned it bugged him off

L (22:37:10): he has a drinking party i attend, from wich i get out heartbroken, and i swear to myself that he's not my friend anymore

L (22:37:15): that was this november

L (22:37:23): my "love" (lets rather say, sucky sex) story with M-A takes place

L (22:37:39): and recently, when things begun to stink between M-A and me, T began speaking to me again...

L (22:37:51): And we wrote each other a few e-mails...

L (22:37:57): And we hanged out more and more...

BQ (22:38:36): well its easy to tell where this is going

L (22:38:41): Until last week, he told he didn't want to write me anymore, because, from what i deduced of his vague assertions, he doesn't want to imply himself deeply in a relationship of any kind with me

L (22:38:44): no wait

L (22:38:56): the thing is, my dear archangel T changed during the years

L (22:39:08): from a dark and individualistic rebel

L (22:39:13): he became a social whore

L (22:39:15): talking to anybody

BQ (22:39:24): whats wrong to talking to anybody?

L (22:39:25): without commitment in any serious friendships

L (22:39:30): you don't get it

L (22:39:37): he talks to everybody without distinction or special interest

L (22:39:41): just for the popularity

BQ (22:39:58): or maybe he is hurting inside

BQ (22:40:04): because he has no one to connect with but you

L (22:40:18): he became less intense... fell in love with another girl who spurns him...

L (22:40:36): And from all of that, i made a conclusion:

L (22:40:40): T can love but perfection

L (22:40:45): Wich is very bad

BQ (22:40:54): wait he loves many girls?

L (22:41:02): Because to love someone truely, you have to accept his/her bad sides as well as his/her good ones. Loving only that person's radiant part is closing your eyes on a whole dimension of things, and it's simply not efficient love.

BQ (22:41:02): or just girls that spurn him

L (22:41:08): just that girl

L (22:41:12): did i mentionned several girls

BQ (22:41:33): wait so he loved you, and you spurned him

L (22:41:39): he says that "he hasn't reached the bottom of her wisdom yet"

L (22:41:45): re-read the story.

BQ (22:41:59): oh shit

BQ (22:42:01): sorry

BQ (22:42:02): haha

BQ (22:42:06): I do that too much

L (22:42:21): what happens is that we never matched in our love phases

L (22:42:35): that is to say: when he loved me i didn't, when i loved him he didn't

BQ (22:42:48): Well you know what they say you can't have a serious relationship in high school (or 3-5th grade?)

BQ (22:43:09): I mean everyone is just learning the emotions and learning from failures

BQ (22:43:14): this is normal

L (22:43:18): well that doesn't apply to us. I never had a connection so deep with someone

L (22:43:22): no, don't judge please

BQ (22:43:22): with time you'll be together

L (22:43:26): i'm extremely serious

L (22:43:32): don't you dare judge the worth of this love story

L (22:43:39): it's the dearest thing in my life

BQ (22:43:49): No I mean your conclusion about loving perfection

BQ (22:43:55): that won't always be him

BQ (22:43:59): he'll change for the better

L (22:44:04): ah... yes sorry i misread. this particular situation makes me very intense, irritable

L (22:44:20): but hold on i'm almost done

L (22:44:28): you know, i met that girl. i had a somewhat deep discussion with her

L (22:44:35): And i can conclude a few things about her, on the surface at least.

L (22:45:13): She's extremely sympathetic. She got charism. She got charm. She got intelligence. She got a lot of practical sense, and a good dose of fantasy. She knows how to be a good listener, or at least seeming to be one

L (22:45:14): but...

L (22:45:19): She doesn't care about anybody

L (22:45:21): I'm sure

L (22:46:13): Not only did i perceived a slight indifference in her way of listenning to me, and a slight randomity in her way of reacting.. But moreover, if she rejects T, who is the best person in this school... If she treats him as anybody... It means she got no empathy. No empathy at all. Because T radiates, and i'm not the only one to perceive it... Of course, those are only shallow observations.

BQ (22:46:56): I think T likes you though

BQ (22:47:12): isn't he just afraid of getting close again?

BQ (22:47:17): he might get hurt

BQ (22:47:24): i mean otherwise it doesn't seem logical

BQ (22:47:32): its unprovoked

BQ (22:49:12): if he were over you then he wouldn't do this

BQ (22:49:16): he has feelings

L (22:49:31): well you have to know the guy

L (22:49:38): He is... not selfish

L (22:49:41): but...

L (22:49:50): Very interior

L (22:50:07): He doesn't have the same perceptions of others as you and me have

L (22:50:20): he doesn't have the same philosophy about things

L (22:50:32): He's the absolute master of his destiny: nothing reaches the bottom of his being

L (22:50:38): except maybe that other girl...

BQ (22:50:50): wait so you are saying he has no emotions

L (22:51:08): it's not he's not empathetic, but he utterly doesn't care how his actions may affect others, or how others perceive him

L (22:51:09): no

L (22:51:14): but not only does he not show them

BQ (22:51:15): i mean you seem to imply that he didn't like you and M-A hanging out

L (22:51:26): i know, but that's really unclear

L (22:51:30): i still don't know why

L (22:51:37): i don't think he was jealous

L (22:51:43): he was just.. annoyed

BQ (22:51:43): L he is distancing himself though right?

L (22:52:01): that i was so easily enthralled by an attractive moron

L (22:52:03): *moron

L (22:52:04): yes

L (22:52:07): i think

BQ (22:52:07): There is a reason behind it

L (22:52:19): i don't think i can pierce through it

BQ (22:52:36): I don't know it seems obvious to me

BQ (22:53:19): If there weren't potential for something he wouldn't be trying to create distance

BQ (22:53:31): there is feelings in him love/hate/annoyance

BQ(22:53:44): same thing

L(22:54:07): well actually he's not creating distance... He's not avoiding me anymore, like he did...

L (22:54:17): He's just not letting himself being reached by me

L (22:54:23): not according me importance anymore

L (22:54:27): i guess i have to accept it

Bon vent.

Sans hargne, avec des regrets,

-L "